i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
