He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
