Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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