you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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