just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
