I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
