She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
