Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
