I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
