I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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