dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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