Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
