I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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