I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
