Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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