Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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