I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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