I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
