we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
