I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
