Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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