we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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