I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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