were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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