Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
