Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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