The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
