ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
