I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
