Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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