Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
