So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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