Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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