She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
