I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
organizing the empties. That sober.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
40s are totally the cure
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
