why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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