Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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