i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
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