Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
