I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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