Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
