Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
