what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
