Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
