So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
