i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
