and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
