How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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