if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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