so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
