the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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