I want to stick my p in your. b.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
