god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
