Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
