matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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