I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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